My times alone, nights, can stretch and seem long. Often I wake during the night, random thoughts flooding my mind. During the day I bury myself in busyness. The realisation that life has become narrow, confined. After surgery I spent almost three months in my flat, alone. Something I have said before but it still holds true, I feel that I stand on the periphery of society of society looking in. many times I have attempted to reach out, to bridge the gap but the gulf between seems just to grow wider. On occasions it has meant pain. Earlier experiences in life have meant that my social ability is limited, often I miss the non verbal cues. I talk away over trivial things but when it gets down to the nitty gritty of social understanding, of people, of relationships, I fall short. Let me give an example, love, what is it? People doing people things? Holding hands, caring for each other, sharing those sweet,intimate moments? Being tender, kissing, cuddling,,arguing, agreeing, disagreeing, being held, holding? Sorry, those things are alien things to me, I am bewildered by them. Indeed, at times people scare me. Where do I stand, cynical, angry, emotional? Indeed I question, why bother? Men I am wary of, certainly I am not as bad as I once was, but at times I find them a bit scary. Another woman? someone who could tolerate my foibles, just generally accept things as they are with me. Maybe, maybe not.
At present I continue to write. An ongoing giving of myself. As yet I am uncertain how folk are reacting to my writing, as normal I suggest they nip over to my web pages, Brenda Dwns personal pages,. As always I am on the lookout for new material. Paradoxically I actually want to write about people, their experiences, there fantasies, their hopes and dreams. I have even considered advertising for women to interview, offering say a twenty pound fee for a decent interview. Feedback if you please. Always feel free to ask questions or contact me.